


Don’t love me (more)

by sungchans_uwus (sungchans_kinda_tiny)



Category: TREASURE (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Mental Health Issues, Rly only angst, Self-Hatred, Yoshi-centric, dont read if u struggle w mental health pls, like... a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27903331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sungchans_kinda_tiny/pseuds/sungchans_uwus
Summary: Yoshinori breaks down
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	Don’t love me (more)

**Author's Note:**

> TW // self degrading thoughts, suicidal thoughts, swear words
> 
> This is a story I wrote to cope with my own struggles that I had and still am having to this day.
> 
> If you struggle with mental health please search out a professional. 
> 
> I wrote this during a break down, so the grammar is probably shit. I tried to correct at least the worst mistakes.

Yoshinori doesn’t know how long he already had been inside the bathroom. It definitely had been a long time. Why was he even here, in the smallest bathroom in the most hidden corner of the YG building? Had the few words really affected him so much? Had Hyunsuk telling him his mistakes really hurt him that much? Was he that weak?

Actually it had probably started before. He doesn’t know when exactly, but at some point everything just started hurting. Little comments, that had been kinda mean, but definitely not meant to hurt anyone and he had laughed at before hurt him now. Little comments about his small mistakes or his appearance teared his self esteem down in seconds, leaving nothing but shreds. Yoshi would take them and try to build his self esteem back up, using up most of his energy, just for it to be teared down again.

-•-

He doesn’t know since when Haruto telling him off hurt so much. Was it the first time he told him: “Stop annoying me!”? He had thought the younger enjoyed being cared for by him, but he obviously was wrong. And still, he was a dumb bitch and couldn’t even stop with it. Because after all he needed affection and attention. 

Yoshi hated himself for being so selfish and not respecting his member’s wish. So he would go and shower Haruto in love and affection, only to be ignored and told off, hurting him more and more. It wasn’t Harutos fault that those comments hurt Yoshi. After all he was just an attention seeking whore that should stop annoying Haruto. Who could blame the other Japanese for not liking his disgusting presence. 

-•-

Hyunsuk had always been his anchor in the group. Maybe that’s why his words hurt more than the other. Yoshi only needed a simple “I have no time right now.” to feel awful about himself. But again, who could he blame but himself. After all Hyunsuk could do nothing about having a full schedule. So it shouldn’t hurt Yoshi so much. 

But it did, a lot, and every time it hurt, he thought about how he shouldn’t feel awful about it. He had no right to feel that way. After all he was the only one who did something wrong. So instead of talking to his leader, Yoshinori just decided to bottle all his feelings up, to stuff them inside of the darkest corner of his mind. He didn’t deserve someone to vent to. He shouldn’t bother anyone with his trivial little problems. 

-•-

Sometimes Junkyu, Jihoon or Mashiho would approach him, asking to hang out or just to talk. And every time Yoshis heart would start to flutter. Maybe the members do actually like him. Maybe they actually enjoyed his presence and would like to be around him as a first choice. 

Those thoughts would fill his mind. He would feel euphoric and just for a few hours, when he’s hanging out with Junkyu and the others, everything is okay. He’s not the insecure little boy, that hides from everyone, including himself, anymore. He’s a valued, irreplaceable member of treasure. 

But those feeling stop as soon as he’s alone again. Because then his thoughts would start flooding his head. They would tell him that his members don’t actually like him. They’re just trying to be nice to him, because that’s how they are. They are nice to everyone. And then he would overanalyze everything that had happened during their hangout. 

‘Didn’t you notice how tense they were while you were telling them about your newest artwork? You were just bothering them with it!’ And after that he would realize that yes, he should better just keep to himself. 

-•-

Everyone knew Yedam as the ace of Treasure. And the younger definetly deserved the title. His vocals were heavenly and he could dance incredibly even while singing. Yoshinori admired him a lot for that. 

But sometimes, just sometimes, the ugly feeling of jealousy would bubble up his chest, spread to his throat and block out his breathing. In this moments Yoshi would nearly break down, tears wanting to leave his eyes so badly. But he knew he didn’t deserve to feel jealous, because Yedam was so much better than himself. 

So he would tell himself to not be jealous, because Yedam didn’t deserve for someone to feel so negatively about him. He would just start training even more, because at least like that he wouldn’t drag his members down. If he couldn’t match them, he should at least try to not ruin their image. Because after all he was lucky that he can even stand in the same room with someone like Yedam or the other members. 

-•-

Yoshi tried his best to be a good hyung for the younger members. He really did. After all he wanted Junghwan, Jeongwoo and Doyoung to succeed in their dreams. But sometimes he felt like he isn’t doing enough. He felt like that whenever one of them got hurt, when they were sad but he didn’t notice. He felt like that when they rather turned to another hyung rather than to him. 

Which he, again, could only blame himself for once more. If only he had been a better hyung to them, they would come to him too and ask him for advise. But he hadn’t, so it was just fair of them to ignore him. So at the end of the day he told himself to do better and shoved his negative feelings with all the others in that one dark corner of his mind. 

-•-

Asahi was never his best friend or anything, but he still believed that they did have some things in common and bonded quite well. That was the only way he could explain his jealousy whenever Asahi would choose Jaehyuck over him. 

But then again, why would he choose Yoshinori if there was the option to choose someone as funny, talented and kind as Jaehyuck. Why did he even get his hopes up in the first place. If he was Asahi he would choose Jaehyuck over himself too. 

Again he had negative feelings against someone and had absolutely no rights to do so. He should probably apologize to Jaehyuck, but he was too much of a scaredy cat to do so. He was too much of a scaredy cat to do anything if he was being honest. While his members were confident, he was always too scared to open up to anyone. His reasons didn’t even matter, after all other people could get over their fears too. He was the only one who couldn’t. So he tried to leave Asahi alone, to not bother him and Jaehyuck. 

-•-

Wathever happened to him, whatever his feeling were, he never cried. Because whenever he had cried as a kid, everyone around him just told him he was weak and that he should man up. How could he hurt his pride with something like crying. Then again, some people always say that strong people cry. They are strong because they let their emotions show without worrying. So no matter how you twist it, Yoshinori will always be weak. That’s why he didn’t ever cry. He was too scared to cry. 

So why were tears streaming down his cheeks in rivers? Why couldn’t he stay strong this time too? Why did he have to be so weak and break down because someone told him his dance was off. After all he really had danced wrongly. He had made several mistakes during practice and Hyunsuk had every right to stop the practice and call him out on it. It wasn’t his fault Yoshi was so damn weak. It wasn’t his fault that all the emotions Yoshi had bottled up had now overflowed and absolutely destroyed his outer calmness. 

The members were probably disappointed in him now. After the scolding he had just mumbled a „sorry“ and left the practice room in a hurry. He could imagine the disappointed look on their faces while they were looking after him, while he was running away cowardly. He didn’t see the faces. He hadn’t even bothered looking up, already feeling the tears brimming his eyes. After all he didn’t want to look weak in front of his members. 

He had ran through the whole YG building until he had found the little bathroom. He had never seen it before. It was just one room with a sink and a toilet. And now he was here, sitting in the corner of the room, while hot tears streamed down the sides of his face. „No... No... I can’t cry!“, he cried out, hysterically rubbing over his eyes and cheeks. „Go away!“, a strangled shout left his throat. He seemed to get no air, making him panic even more. 

He held up his left hand to his throat, slowly applying pressure. He gripped the wall with his right hand, trying to steady himself to stop crying. „Why... wont it stop...“, he whispered, adding more pressure to his throat. He hoped that the hand would help him somehow keeping his tears and sobs inside. He hoped it would help him get this terrible lump out of his throat, that hindered him from breathing. 

He was panicking, he knew that himself. His body was shaking uncontrollably, whimpers and cries were leaving his mouth and his vision was blurry from all the tears. „No, no, no! Stop!“, he cried out again, trying to get his left hand to the best spot to choke himself. He didn’t know why, but the feeling of his hand choking him calmed him, it distracted him from all his emotions, even if just a little. He stayed exactly like that, crying and shaking. He managed to somewhat calm down. 

Until suddenly he didn’t get enough air anymore. Why wasn’t he getting enough air? It had gotten better again after he calmed down. Why didn’t it get better?! He gasped for air, moving his second hand up to his throat too. He didn’t know why. Maybe it would help. He doesn’t know anything at the moment. He just knows that his vision is getting spotty. A static sound fills his ears. 

He doesn’t hear anything else. His vision is turning black. Why is it turning black? How does that work? What is even happening? He feels his conscious slip. He didn’t mind. It would probably be better for him. He should probably just die. This could happen now, couldn’t it? What was this strange feeling? It’s warm. It feels like it’s welcoming him in its soft arms. As if it could protect him from the world. And then it’s cold. 

Suddenly there’s something else than the static sounds. He hears someone screaming from a very long distance. It’s barely a whisper. Huh. There is a breaking sound. What is happening? He can’t see anything. There are only muffled screams. 

And then there is someone next to him. He can feel a body’s heat next to his own. He feels two hands on his own. What are they doing? His hands are torn away. Air floods into his lungs. He gasps, his eyes suddenly opening up wide. The static sound is gone. His vision is back. 

Around him stand his members, fear and worry present in their eyes. Were they worrying for him? It felt like a fever dream. They were screaming his name. Someone or multiple people were crying. He looks over the members. Tears are streaming down their faces. 

His eyes find Haruto as last. The youngest eyes were filled with tears too. Was it him who was holding him in his arms? „W-Why nii-san... W-why didn’t you speak to us if you were hurting!“, he sobbed. Yoshinori just smiled a sad smile. „I’m sorry...“ 

And then he blacked out.


End file.
